Directed by "Richard Stalin",  © 2011,   1:47:00

Kristi and the Time Machine (KTM) is the first new production from Teraz Films since last year's Mark of the Whip 2. Technically, it's not a Teraz video at all, being released under the Terror Perverse label shared by Girl in the Lift and Nina's Nightmares. Supposedly, Terror Perverse videos are more extreme than Teraz films, but if this is so, it is due to their featuring more pseudo-hardcore action, not graphic violence. There really isn't much difference between KTM and the MOW films; they all draw on the same quirky style unique to the Teraz universe.

For those familiar with Teraz's previous output, Kristi and the Time Machine will seem more than a little familiar. As usual, the male characters are often masked and dubbed with synthesized voices, giving them the creepy presence of alien beings disguised as humans. The Granny Clampett clone from MOW2 returns in a bit role, again most likely played by a man. There's even a cameo appearance by everyone's favorite gauze-wrapped villain, the Fantom Kiler himself. KTM features only two actresses: Maria Vaslova in a brief but very welcome appearance as FK's victim, and Kristi Lust (Kristýna Lusková, pictured right in a shot not from KTM), a Czech porn star who is in 95% of the film's scenes. Both Kristi and Maria embody classic Teraz GIMPettes: statuesque, glistening glamazons wearing nothing but stiletto heels and struggling desperately with their lines.

Except for a few exterior shots, KTM was filmed in the Teraz studios in the Czech Republic. Now unless a film is set in pre-existing indoor locations, attempting a low budget, studio-bound production, especially one spanning multiple time periods, is usually ill-advised. Yet Teraz always surprises me with how much they squeeze out of their plywood sets, creative lighting and fog machines. The overall effect is surprisingly atmospheric if you don't mind the cheesy feel of a low-budget, 1950's sci-fi film. If mainstream realism is of utmost importance to you, I suspect you will be disappointed - the cost limitations are apparent in every shot - but if like me, you can get by on ambience and good intentions, KTM provides some unique and innovative scenes rarely attempted in peril fetish videos.

Ostensibly directed by "Richard Stalin", but likely helmed by the same gent who made the Fantom Kiler films ("Roman Nowicki", though some may know him by other monickers), KTM is a sex and violence remake of that Irwin Allen television chestnut from the mid Sixties, The Time Tunnel. Those of us old enough to remember this show will recall that the titular invention was a multi-billion dollar project to send reckless scientists into the past and future to do, well... something important which is never really explained. As the show opens, the project is in danger of being scrapped because much money has been spent and all the scientists are still safely ensconced in the present.

To prove the invention works, reckless young scientist Tony sends himself back in time. Shortly thereafter, reckless older scientist Doug follows him. As the remaining eggheads collectively slap their foreheads, they watch helplessly (via those magic view screens that show events being relayed by non-existent cameras) as Tony and Doug are transported back to 1912 - landing ass over teakettle on... the Titanic! The time travelers do their best to convince the ship's crew that their unsinkable boat is about to, you know, sink, but these raving lunatics who claim to be from the future meet with little success. Cue iceberg; insert spiffy effects from some hoary old movie; and at the very last instant, "save" scientists by beaming them to some other perilous situation in a different era.

That basic premise is repeated week after week, as Tony and Doug bop from Krakatoa to Pearl Harbor to the Alamo - anywhere but back to the present because they are "lost in time". In each episode they are yanked to their next exciting destination just as doom seems inevitable. So what has this digression to archaic science fiction television got to do with Kristi and the Time Machine? Just about everything. Not only does KTM appropriate the Time Tunnel plot, it even steals the tunnel's concentric rings and uses them as a motif for its time travel sequences. Of course, the KTM destinations are considerably less epic in scope, and the machine itself is... let's just say it's not exactly a multi-billion dollar project. But the rest is all there, nostalgia fans, with the addition of three things you never saw on the television series: nudity, bondage, and a whole truckload of female peril.

As KTM opens ("Somewhere in Eastern Europe"), Professor Rohr-Sauger, inventor of a rather low-rent time machine, receives the bad news that his project is in danger of being scrapped because much money has been spent, and to no one's surprise, no time traveling has occurred. Pipe smoking Rohr-Sauger and his associate, Professor Korsakov, attired in lab coats and wearing those nefarious masks, are ordered to prove the machine works or face having their funding cut. What's a poor mad scientist to do? Maybe try using the unfinished device on himself to demonstrate it? Not on your life. Far better to recruit his comely and extraordinarily ill-informed assistant to test drive the thing and see what happens.

Doctor Kristi Lust (played by not-a-doctor Kristi Lust) is summoned. After listening to Rohr-Sauger's unconvincing blather about how his invention works, and being scolded for questioning its safety, Kristi bleats "yes sir" a half dozen times and, clipboard in hand, obligingly marches into the time machine. This dodgy contraption, which resembles a revolving door on a subway platform, entraps poor Kristi, who is told she must remove all her clothing in order for the device to work properly. After protesting for about two seconds, our eager-to-please heroine doffs her lab coat, bra and panties, but not her trusty Manolo Blahniks, which apparently do not count as clothing.

It's important to note that at this point, about seven minutes into the movie, Kristi Lust is virtually naked, and that, excepting a brief segment in ancient Rome, she will remain so for the rest of the film. It's also worth mentioning that this is one of the best things about KTM. For my money, Kristi Lust is among the hottest actresses I've seen in a GIMP fetish flick, and every delectable square inch of her flesh is on display in the shots which follow. Thankfully, she makes no effort to find replacement clothing.

Understandably curious about where in time her boss plans to send her, Kristi becomes a little concerned when Rohr-Sauger reveals he hasn't a clue himself. After all, he's never used the machine before - so what the hell, he'll just wing it. Even worse, she's told he is still working on how to make the journey a round trip. This clearly does not sit well with Kristi, but before she can object further, Rohr-Sauger activates the machine.

In a most enjoyable sequence, Kristi starts writhing as the apparatus fires up. The device emits suitably retro sound effects, and its hapless occupant begins dancing about like a possessed go-go dancer. Like most time machines, this one forces multiple orgasms on its user as it apparently accumulates the energy to send her into history. Kristi moans, gasps and climaxes repeatedly, but she does not seem to be having a good time. Rohr-Sauger and Korsakov, on the other hand, enjoy the show and make rude comments. Like Barbarella in the orgasmatron, Kristi "suffers" until the machine finally catapults her to her first destination.

Sounding suspiciously like a Star Trek transporter, the time machine plummets naked Kristi into a remarkably authentic, night-time jungle setting. As she gazes about in wide-eyed wonder, she is attacked by a truly unimpressive rubber spider (the same sad-sack prop used in MOW2), then a slightly more believable giant centipede. The centipede wastes no time in making a beeline for Kristi's crotch, and in a stunning close-up shot, starts tunneling into her pussy, still wet and sticky from her previous orgasm marathon. Most women I know would react rather badly in this situation, but not our fearless star, who mistakes the critter for a sex toy and writhes about for several minutes before eventually pulling it out.

Meanwhile, back at the lab, Rohr-Sauger and Korsakov make half-hearted attempts to locate their guinea pig, using samples of her "vagina juice DNA" as some kind of tracking substance. Whatever works, I suppose. They get only a few glimpses of Kristi (covered in bugs) on the miracle monitors before losing the signal as the machine expectedly malfunctions.

Back in the jungle, we finally get into serious GIMP territory as Kristi is discovered by a pair of Latin-American soldiers. Apparently, she has been teleported to some third-world country (Cuba?), though neither place nor time are identified. Observing that she is nude, in high heels and speaking with a Czech accent, the two men naturally conclude that she is an American CIA agent who must be brought in for questioning. They poke her with their assault rifles, tie her hands (in front -- sigh), then push her through the jungle to their secret lair.

Here, Kristi is interrogated, which of course is a third-world euphemism for torture - especially if it involves nubile females. She is groped and anally penetrated with a pistol before having her wrists duct-taped to her ankles in a reverse hog-tie and plopped face up on the kitchen table. The tension builds as the soldiers push the pistol into her vagina and threaten to pull the trigger: unos, dos, tres, quatro... but, no... just kidding. Failing to scare the gormless gal into confessing, they proceed to burn her nipples and clit with a cigar. Further abuse includes ass whuppin' and tongue stretching, featuring those Teraz staples, a rug beater and a bottle of J&B scotch. Overall, Kristi's interrogation is a first-rate GIMP scene: three different bondage positions, a half dozen tortures, a naked, sweaty victim, and it goes on for almost fifteen minutes.

Back at the lab, Rohr-Sauger has called in an engineer to fix the time machine. We know this new guy is an engineer because he wears a hard-hat, but you have to wonder why the genius who invented the device can't fix the damn thing himself. No matter -- these cut-aways to the bickering, inept scientists make Kristi's doom seem all the more certain, especially when they abandon the imperiled blonde in favor of a tea break to celebrate getting the machine fixed.

Eventually, the soldiers give up on poor Kristi and decide to finish her off. With her hands tied behind her back, she's bent forward over the table. One guerilla stands in front of her and pushes the muzzle of his assault rifle into her mouth. The other stands behind her and inserts his weapon up her ass. Once again, it's uno, dos, tres... but just as it looks like curtains for Kristi, she's teleported away, leaving her tormentors shooting into each other instead of their captive. Kristi lives on to suffer some more. Hooray!

The next segment is the weakest of the various KTM set-pieces. The aforementioned granny character, probably a relative of the Fantom Whipper's mother (see MOW2 review), is masturbating her adult son, a porcine-faced monstrosity who, to Mom's frustration, can't seem to find a girlfriend. Mom strokes his mammoth cock enthusiastically until a gallon of semen erupts all over the living room furniture. Unless you're into incest, male bodily fluids, or deformed people, this scene will make you lose your lunch. Once again, the location and time of these dire proceedings is unclear, but it appears to be contemporary England.

After Pig-man leaves for work, Kristi, still tied and nude, materializes on the coffee table, answering Mom's prayers for a girl to mate with her grotesque offspring. Kristi barely has a chance to get her bearings before Mom knocks her out. When Sonny returns, his mother proudly has a gagged and bound time traveler contorted ass-up with a lit candle inserted in her pussy: a human birthday cake. Pig-man removes the candle, makes a wish, and re-inserts it lit-end first! You might fault Kristi Lust for her diction, but you can't say she's a GIMP wimp.

Things get ugly when Mom encourages her boy to "cut the cake". As Pig-man prepares to impale his treat with a fearsome Bowie knife, Kristi kicks him away - Mom should have restrained those legs - causing him to fall back and spear his noggin on a coat hook. Ouch. As her son dies squealing, Mom ropes Kristi's neck and strangles the no-longer-welcome gift from God. If you are into asphyx, Kristi's struggling as the old lady chokes the life out of her is easily the best part of this scene. It lasts almost two minutes, and Kristi puts on quite a show. But the film isn't even half over yet, so to no one's surprise except maybe Pig-man's mom, our heroine is transported away just before she expires. Go Kristi!

Her next stop is once again somewhat ambiguous, though it's likely a US city in recent times. A balaclava-wearing mobster cornered by the police is about to hold his final stand-off when Kristi drops in right next to him. As the cops do a double take, the mobster wastes no time using the bound and gagged time traveler as a convenient human shield. Kristi squirms enticingly in the gangster's grasp as he opens fire with a machine gun. The coppers are hamstrung, no doubt worrying about the bad press they'd get if they mow down a nude woman with her hands tied behind her.

Safe behind his sexy barricade, the mobster gets giddy and positions his gun barrel lengthwise along Kristi's labia, effectively using her vagina to steady his weapon. As the gun blasts away, our horny heroine reacts as expected when the hot, vibrating metal begins rocking her world. I'm not one who likes to see a GIMPette enjoy her punishment, and it's arguable whether Kristi is enjoying anything here, but the sight of her climaxing over and over as bursts of machine gun fire erupt from between her legs is more than a little arousing. This segment is not without its flaws, but Kristi's reaction to her ordeal saves the day.

Unfortunately for our Cagney wannabe, the time machine giveth, and the time machine taketh away. As he looks on in disbelief, Kristi vanishes into thin air, teleporting onward to new adventures. With his pretty protector gone, the scene ends, as you might expect, rather badly for the bad guy.

Kristi's next destination - the fourth if you've lost track - features the aforementioned guest appearance of the Fantom Kiler, hero of his own line of Teraz videos. We thus can assume this segment is set in present day Poland, where FK haunts the countryside slicing up bare and busty beauties. Arriving in a storage shed, Kristi is alone long enough to finally free her arms and remove her gag. Fortunately for us, there is not a scrap of clothing in sight, so she hides behind an oil drum when she hears someone enter.

That someone of course is the Fantom Kiler, towing his latest victim behind him by a T shaped pussy hook imbedded where pussy hooks are meant to be imbedded. FK's unfortunate captive is the fetching judge who sentenced him to life in jail for "the murder and mutilation of over 1000 virgins" (Don't believe it? Try finding one now). The judge is played by Maria Vaslova, star of Nina's Nightmares and owner of the world's most durable breast implants. They are on fine display here, as is the rest of her, squirming naked on the end of the hook, gagged and with hands bound behind her.

As Fantom Kiler is considerably less lenient than the judge, he sentences her to a "humiliating and agonizing execution". But first he carries out the punishment the judge imposed on him. With Maria awkwardly bent backward, arms tied overhead, FK whacks her repeatedly with a cane before using it, against her will, as a masturbation aid. Eventually tiring of the cane, FK moves on to flog the poor woman with a cat-o'-nine tails.

Judging from her previous Teraz appearances, Vaslova certainly can take a lot of pain, and she does not disappoint here. Her torture is suitably believable and although the blood effects are a bit weak, the repeated blows across her breasts and midsection are real. As a result, this is one of the best scenes in the film, and will be a favorite for anyone who enjoyed Maria's performance in Mark of the Whip.

Peeking out from behind the oil drum, Kristi looks on in horror as the judge endures her thrashing. At last, she decides to intervene, sneaking up behind the distracted Kiler, intending to bash his head in with a wrench. Sadly for the judge, it is just as Kristi is about to save the day that Rohr-Sauger (remember him?) locks onto her vagina juice DNA and teleports her out of the scene. This leaves Maria alone with FK, who fires up a chain saw and closes in on her gaping sex.

It would have been fun to hang out in that storage shed for another few minutes, but instead we leave the judge to her tragic fate and watch Kristi materialize in a jail cell under the coliseum in Ancient Rome - 300 BCE to be exact. Sharing the dank cage is another naked blonde - you can never have too many I guess - a gladiatrix (played by Ms. Lust in a wig) who is furiously masturbating in hopes of reaching one last orgasm before being forced to fight. Oblivious to Kristi's arrival, she barely has a chance to climax before Rohr-Sauger mistakenly beams her into the present day.

Emerging in the professor's contraption, the gladiatrix is understandably confused and apparently a little annoyed at having her two-finger tango interrupted. Just as Rohr-Sauger decides that this unexpected visitor could make a passable substitute for Kristi - and giving up on the original to prove the machine works - the blonde wrecks her shot at fame by dissing the touchy scientist. Strangely unfazed by the girl's ability to swear in English, he instead is offended by his foul-mouthed guest and rashly beams her into oblivion.

This seeming tangent of a scene is actually very necessary to the plot. Now alone in the coliseum cell, Kristi is mistaken for the gladiatrix and soon finds herself outfitted with a sword, shield and helmet to face off against a slab of beefcake three times her size. Curiously, she has also been garbed in a tiny leather bra and matching loincloth, her first nod to modesty since stripping off her lab coat in scene one. No worries though: two minutes into the fight, her opponent's sword has slashed away her brief attire, leaving Kristi wearing nothing but her helmet and a glistening sheen of sweat.

The gladiator fight is easily the most ambitious scene in the film, and not surprisingly, the one which most highlights its production limitations. The supposed throngs of spectators are represented by a half dozen, masked punters shown against a dark, smoky background. The ring looks to be the size of walk-in closet, and the props, including some rather grody severed heads, are as convincing as a ten buck Rolex. Still, the swordplay is remarkably energetic, and Kristi acquits herself well against the mighty "Dracon". This scene is not meant to be realistic but entertaining, and at that level it succeeds admirably. Besides, how many other films feature a nude heroine crossing swords with a hulking Neanderthal?

Unfortunately, the GIMPery is derailed when Dracon notices that his opponent is actually quite fetching, and begins to lust after Dr. Lust right in the middle of the fight. Ignoring the jeers of the "crowd", he stands transfixed by the woman's beauty and, ummm... rises to the occasion. With Dracon's member at full attention, Kristi takes advantage of her adversary's distracted state and with a well-aimed stroke snatches victory from the loss of da meat.

But the games ain't over until the fat lady sings, or at least until the slim one dies. With the spectators screaming for her blood, Kristi faces a second challenger, this one more skilled and presumably gay. Unlike his predecessor, "Magog" fails to fall for his opponent's considerable charms and soon divests her of her shield, sword and (thankfully) that helmet. With his prey cornered and the business end of a scythe (!) pressed against her womanhood, he swings the blade upward just as - you guessed it - Rohr-Sauger locks onto his guinea pig and transports her to...

...a seedy Manhattan alley in 1973. You'd think that at some point the good professor would just let his hapless assistant suffer her impending doom and put her out of her misery, but I suppose the concept of never-ending perils is the whole idea here. As if showing up in the US during Watergate were not punishment enough, Kristi is mistaken by the local pimp for a wayward ho trespassing on his turf. After all, she's in a back alley, she's in heels, and she's naked. If you were a pimp, wouldn't you reach the same conclusion?

After checking Kristi's orifices for money (so that's where naked hookers stash their cash), the pimp assumes she is giving out freebies and generously treats the neighborhood to complimentary samples. Kristi is beaten, tied to a garbage can and fitted with a speculum to keep her mouth accessible. "Fuck me for free" is scrawled on her midsection just in case anyone still misses the point. Surprisingly, several people turn their noses up at the delectable offer before one eager beaver whips out his mortadella sized cock and pushes it down Kristi's throat. He cums quickly, showering the poor girl with what looks more like a quart of milk than what it's supposed to be.

Kristi takes the violation rather well, considering her hands are clearly untied (a major fail in this scene) but remain obediently behind her back throughout the assault. Maybe she's just become so used to having her wrists cuffed together that she doesn't think to defend herself. Even when she is approached by the resident psycho killer - there seems to be one at every stop - Kristi arches back helplessly and prepares to be stabbed by the guy's knife (which looks remarkably similar to the ornate blade used by Pig-man at her second destination).

Of course, just as the knife comes down, guess what happens? If you said she's finally killed, you haven't been paying attention. Actually, this time Kristi makes it back to the lab... for all of the five seconds it takes Rohr-Sauger to change his mind about retrieving her without the media around to witness his genius. With the machine now working as designed (hard to believe), there's one more stop for our intrepid time traveler while the professor and Korsakov arrange a big party to publicize her return.

Now magically bound as she was supposed to be in the previous scene (but missing the inspiring words on her belly), and with the speculum still in her mouth (ever wonder why anything time travelers are touching travels with them?), Kristi arrives in the litter-strewn dwelling of... yes, another psycho killer. Aside from butchering naked women, which is a pretty common hobby in the world of Teraz, this character has a somewhat peculiar fetish. Rather than reveal it, I'll end the plot synopsis here and leave you to be as stunned by the conclusion of KTM as I was. Suffice it to say, things did not wind up as I expected - and I thought I was ready for anything. A word of warning though: make sure you've fully digested your dinner before watching the final scene.

Although the climax was not one I would have chosen, it is in keeping with the overall tone of the film, which is dark and surreal while remaining oddly humorous throughout. Kristi is like the speechless Barbie doll every teenage GIMPer practiced on after lights-out, so you can't really feel sorry for her. Rohr-Sauger is a pompous lecher who clearly enjoys seeing his assistant tortured and humiliated. In fact, he'd be happy to leave her stranded or dead in the past if it weren't for the fact he needs her to prove his invention works. Clearly, KTM is meant to be an absurdist fantasy, made all the more apparent by having Kristi march through her adventures in stilettos but otherwise nude while encountering only masked maniacs out to mistreat her. As mentioned, the plot is a direct steal from The Time Tunnel, but the film is really a sexed up version of The Perils of Pauline.

Accepting it for what it is, I enjoyed KTM a great deal. Like all Teraz output, it has atmosphere to burn, and unlike most fetish productions, care is taken with the details in every scene. Kristi Lust is quite a find, and sizzles in every shot she's in. Thanks to some creative photography, we get to see her from virtually all angles, and trust me, there's no way to make this woman look bad (see pic at left - dressed in her favorite outfit). She does have a scorpion tattoo on one shoulder, but it's not overly distracting. Her acting, on the other hand, is. Kristi's native tongue clearly is not English, as is the case with almost all the Teraz girls, and she appears to speak her lines phonetically. Fortunately, she has little to say, and is virtually mute throughout most of the film (a somewhat brutal but unused scene shown in the DVD extras might account for this).

KTM is not for everybody. For one thing, the campy yet misogynistic tone will make some folks uncomfortable, especially those who don't get the offbeat style favored by Teraz. The perils depicted will be too harsh for some, and not harsh enough for others. There's little blood, some unfulfilled teasing ("I'll have her breasts as trophies!") and some scenes could use an extra forty watt bulb or two. Perhaps the most obvious criticism is that the film's reach sometimes exceeds its grasp. Yet rather than hide the budget challenges, the director revels in them, taking things to jaw-dropping extremes in hopes of distracting viewers from the more obvious warts. Who cares if the giant centipede is fake when it's burrowing into a naked babe's privates as she lies writhing in the jungle?

In the same way, the entire plot exists solely to put the heroine into improbably bizarre and intense perils. There are a few cut-away scenes to the lab as the professor struggles to keep the machine working, but 95% of the film is Kristi being defiled and debased by one evil bastard after another. She descends from that rarefied line of professional victims, and like South Park's Kenny or Mr. Bill on SNL, Kristi exists for the single purpose of being abused. Sure, she travels through time, but she never gets to enjoy the scenery. Hell, she doesn't even get a chance to get dressed. No one is nice to her, and everyone (including the audience) wants to see her suffer. And since KTM delivers Kristi's suffering in spades, I can let the occasional rubber spider pass.