A Bring Out the GIMP (Girls in Merciless Peril) Movie Review

Bitch on a Burner

Reviewed by Fritz

Bitch on a Burner (BoaB) is a relatively short Teraz production which is unlike the company's usual fare. GIMPers who don't care for Roman's familiar trademarks – atmospheric lighting, stilted East European accents and hallucinatory ambience, among others – will be pleased to know there is none of that here. In fact, this quaint little video is a remarkably accurate reproduction of an HOM silent loop, like those we old-timers remember fondly from the 1970's and 80's. If nothing else, Roman knows that the devil is in the details, and to my mind he has done an incredible job of creating a film that Mr. Blakemore himself might mistake for one of his own.

It's all there. The flatly lit, barren basement set. The balaclava-wearing villain. The slightly sped-up frame rate to simulate projection of an 8mm loop. The martini lounge soundtrack with the muted horns and off-kilter beat (which first showed up on the analog VHS transfers). There's even the intro music from the European market Gold Medal films, in case you had any doubt that these references were intentional. Best of all, the GIMP in this film is a sumptuous, busty babe who would be at home suffering under the worst that Blakemore could throw at her. Roman does his best to emulate the master, and as far as I'm concerned, he succeeds admirably.

BoaB is what the director cleverly dubs an HOMage. Which makes me wonder if this whole project was the result of a bad pun.

Let's face it, no one ever bought an HOM loop because of the plot. Anyone hoping to find any rationale for what happens in BoaB will be disappointed. With no explanation, all twelve and a half minutes depict some vaguely menacing dude tormenting a naked girl for whatever reason he sees fit. If reasons are important to you, make up your own. It's basically a silent film set to a cool groove, so you can imagine whatever scenario you like and just sit back to enjoy the view.

As you can tell from the intro image above, the view is pretty damn good. Immediately living up to its title, the film opens with a bitch (portrayed by the ravishing Ally Angel) on a burner – well, more of a wood stove actually, but does it really matter? She's tied AOH and FTS (feet-to-stove) and sports one of those nifty Jennings gags (or whatever-the-hell they're called) that allows for safe and easy oral access but won't do much to keep her quiet – which hardly matters since, I remind you again, this is a silent film. Next to our hapless heroine is a broom, a stool and a roll of duct tape, none of which serve any purpose whatsoever throughout the duration of the video.

Ally is knocked out and blissfully unaware of her predicament. At least until balaclava-wearing-guy (BWG) shows up, rudely revives her, and proceeds to lecture her on the consequences of not flossing properly. Like I said, you can insert your own storyline wherever you wish.

Ally responds like any woman would… by wildly shaking her tits from side to side. I'm not sure where I first saw this sophisticated self-defence method for females, but I'm pretty sure it was demonstrated in an HOM loop from long ago.

Unfortunately, the bobbing boob maneuver does not impress Ally's captor. A look of genuine concern crosses her face and she emits a cascade of drool which could float Noah's ark.

The saliva tsunami also coats the front of her body, which makes for some provocative glistening-flesh close-ups – at least for those of us who like that sort of thing. Hey, I'm not proud… I'd lick her clean.

Then the real fun starts. First up is the ever-reliable cat, though in this case BWG has chosen one of those BDSM bargain store numbers which wouldn't hurt a hamster – a bit of a disappointment from the producer of the brutal Mark of the Whip series. Still, BWG doesn't hold back, and Ally sells the scene. Once again… there's no sound, so you can slap wooden blocks together if you want to add emphasis.

After a few minutes of the lash, BWG ups the ante by producing one of the largest rubber dongs manufactured in China. He lovingly rubs it over his victim and then uses it to smack his bitch up. If Ally thought she was getting off easy with the tickle whip, I'm sure she wasn't laughing when this beastie was smashing against her torso.

Of course, even BWG knows the real purpose of a dildo, so true to form, he puts his dong where dongs belong. To Ally's credit, she takes this monster inside her. All. Of. It. You surely didn't see that in a 1970's GIMP loop. Even ZFX simulated this sort of thing. Very impressive.

To mix things up a bit, and to show off his exceptional ambidextrous skills, BWG once again grabs the whip and demonstrates the rarely seen lash-and-gash routine.

And then, just as you think things can't get any worse for poor Ally – holy crap, he's got a gun!

Calm down. That rascal BWG is just teasing. No, he doesn't shoot his bitch. He just wants to have a bit of fun by doing this…

And some of this...

But wait, there's more! The broom? The stool? The ginzu knives? No. It's a candle. First it's used to warm up Ally's freezing labia…

And when that doesn't generate enough heat, it's thrown into the wood stove burner to get a nice, cheerful fire going between our heroine's splayed nether regions. If you were wondering why Ally was sitting on that antique furnace all this time, wonder no more.

As for the ending, I wouldn't want to spoil it. Suffice it to say that BWG probably won't be going out to grab a smoked fish appetizer at the local Red Lobster. Then again, maybe that's exactly where he would be heading. Sadly, Ally probably won't be joining him.

As much as I like the Teraz style (and yes, I realize others' mileage may vary), not everything Roman releases suits my tastes. That said, I genuinely enjoyed Bitch on a Burner on several levels. As an HOMage, it was a great nostalgia trip. As a GIMP film, it delivered the goods. And as a novel concept in a world of repetitive fetish clips, it was a delightful breath of fresh air. For $7.95, this clip is the bargain of the year. So buy it. Yes... you. You know you want it. Go to the Teraz site and get it now. What are you waiting for?

Still, I'm notoriously hard to please… so I'll give it an A-.

My Grade: A-

Teraz Films

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