Obviously there’s a message here. I'm not sure what it is, but it’s there. French films of the ‘70’s had to have a message. I think it was in the French motion picture code or something. If you were French and wanted to make a movie, you had to have something artistic to your work. This philosophy comes up later.

So, Jacques’ business partner turns out to be somewhat effeminate, which triggers Jacques’ natural homosexual tendencies. But don't worry. He doesn't act on them, but they do explain the relationship between the two men, who seem to spend a lot of their down time staring at each other and smoking cigarettes profusely.

Cut scene to a woman at a police station, claiming to have been attacked by a horrible-looking man, who knocked her out. When she came to, she was tied up in a cellar and could hear the voices of the man’s accomplices; it sounded like two men. They didn't do anything, she says, but “that awful monster stripped me and lashed me all over, but hard!” She then lifts her shirt to show the inspectors the lash marks. I didn't see any marks, but we do get to see her tits, so here they are.

The two policemen give her a series of photos and she excitedly points to one.

Cut scene to Jacques and his semi-gay business partner. “Are you ready?” he asks. “I'm ready,” comes the reply. “Ok.” Jacques gets up, makes a phone call. “Well?” the semi-gay friend asks. “He’s coming,” Jacques answers.

Heavy art there, from our French friends.

An Ugly Man (as I'll call him) driving a plain French sedan is driving down the road when he comes up a pretty French maiden riding a bicycle. He studies her, the way her hair flows in the air of the countryside, her legs rippling gently as she pedals. He pulls ahead, cuts her off, and when she tumbles, she gets up and runs into the woods. Of course he catches her. Just about then, a police cruiser spots the bicycle and the sedan. The police study the scene, then one policeman says, “Lovebirds” and they continue on, leaving the Ugly Man to drag the maiden back to his car. When she comes to, she’s naked and chained to a rough stone pillar, like this:

For some reason, while she was unconscious, she managed to remain standing. I've never heard of that happening to someone who is passed out, because when my buddies get drunk and pass out, they go completely limp. But none of them are French, so maybe it’s unique to French genetics or something.

And another thing: when I watched the first “Red Feline” film, my biggest complaint was the ridiculously dim lighting. Apparently that’s a French thing, too, because the filmmakers of Room of Chains take a totally luscious young babe, strip her naked, then use red filters to ruin the lighting. Have a look if you don't believe me.

We also get stuck with weird camera angles and really bad sound dubbing. The music sounds like one guy playing a Mighty Wurlitzer. We don't see the whip, we don't hear the whip, and we don't hear her cries of anguish. All we see is her making (apparently) random spasms, like she’s going into convulsions or something. And, of course, the weird camera angles. And organ music.

Very “Batman”-esque, don't you think?

Anyway, at first I thought Jacques and his semi-gay friend were wearing women’s housecoats as they peered through the peephole and watched the young maiden be whipped (which would have amped up the weirdness factor ten-fold), but instead they're just quasi-religious robes, which must be a French art thing because religion comes up often in the story. So Jacques and his friend turn away from the peephole and Jacques says, “He treated us to a fine performance tonight, didn't he. The way her body seemed to sway back and forth. What a risk he took, but what pleasure!” “You're going too far!” his friend warns. But Jacques counters his warning with “It’s he that goes too far. It’s the beast that lurks within us. He cuts our bonds. See how untroubled and calm we are now? Appeased?” His friend pauses, then says, “But where’s he?” “Asleep,” Jacques replies. “Until it’s time to serve us again; to bring us satisfaction and release.” He looks through the peephole at the victim. “Even her. Look. She seems so calm and pure; cleansed of all.”

At this point I was reminded of the Leopold and Loeb case, where two young high-thinkers attempted to get away with the perfect crime as an intellectual exercise. Maybe that’s what the filmmakers were going for here. I don't know. I'm not French.

Anyway, like all 70’s high-income French businessmen, Jacques dedicates time during his busy day to exercise on a stationary bike in his bathroom, apparently naked, while his semi-gay friend reclines in the bathtub next to him, unquestionably naked. They exchange some dialogue and apparently Jacques is actually named “George”, but I like Jacques better so we'll go with that. We also learn that he’s an outstanding citizen in the community, above the law (very much like Leopold and Loeb thought they were). Finally, we learn that the ugly man is responsible for returning the maiden to the spot where she was abducted, and sure enough, he does. She’s dressed in tattered clothes, covered in dirt, and looks very much like she took a tumble off her bike.

Later that day, Jacques attends a church service where they sit in wooden chairs instead of benches. Jacques begins to daydream that the maiden is naked at the organ, playing. Alarmed, he stands up, only to be pulled back down by his confused wife. Church is dismissed and they all go out.

“She was raped last night, did you hear?” the wife asks outside.

“It wasn't rape,” Jacques replies. He then goes up to the maiden and asks her how she’s doing, then begins to ask her what she told the police. Satisfied that she doesn't remember much, he bids her good day.

Back at the house, he sabotages his car, then goes to a police station in town to file a report that his car was stolen, in order to cover his tracks. The inspector, sensing a connection, then goes to the home of the first victim, the one that flashed her boobs to the police. She is only too happy to cooperate with an official police investigation and flashes her boobs again.

While this is going on, Jacques tells his wife that he’s having car trouble so he’s borrowing her car for a while. He tells her he’s not going to bother to fix it, just go ahead and trade it in.

Meanwhile, a young couple are out antiquing in the city, going from place to place on a small motorcycle. Now, let me tell all you single men out there that this idea is BRILLIANT because it means that you're not going to be buying a single thing. There’s absolutely no way you're going to get a vintage end table on the back of a small Yamaha. On the other hand, I did my antiquing in an SUV, so I ended up buying and hauling all sorts of crap I didn't need and no longer have. Trust me when I tell you that nobody is impressed with your furniture, except for interior designers and semi-homosexuals.

After the young man drops the young woman off at her apartment (which she apparently shares with her parents), we learn that she’s been keeping her relationship a secret from them because she’s afraid they wouldn't approve of him. One thing they certainly don't approve of is her going away for the weekend with some stranger, particularly with some maniac running around. The father even points out a newspaper article about it all. A fight ensues and she storms out, because her parents are being absolutely medieval about the whole thing. Right? Right. So, she runs back to the arms of her lover and there’s some romantic music and kissing and stuff. I was going to skip over this part, but then a nipple popped out.

After the coital love-making, the pair make plans for the future. Or rather, she says how wonderful it will all be when they're married, and he goes along with it, because, you know, he just finished having sex and he really doesn't want to kick her to the curb just yet.

Back in Jacques’ world, we find out he’s an antique dealer and his wife and semi-homosexual friend help run it. Jacques tells them he has to go out to run an errand and after he leaves, the wife and semi-homosexual friend have a brief discussion about how Jacques has been acting funny lately. The friend dismisses it, naturally, and tells the wife not to worry. He’s certain Jacques’ not cheating on her.

Jacques, meanwhile, is letting his thoughts wander to memories of the last victim, twisting in her chains against the pillar. She starts out naked, then is wearing a set of chainmail like Joan of Arc (why does religious imagery always tie back to her? Must be a French thing), and by the end he’s flashing to another session with another girl spread out on an altar, which is the scene that made me interested in this film in the first place.

I could describe the scene to you, but vidcaps do a much better job.

Intersperse this with shots of Jacques sweating profusely in his car as his nerves come undone. And what happens when your nerves come undone while operating a motor vehicle? You get into an accident, and that’s exactly what happens to Jacques. He hits the motorbike carrying the young couple who had spent the day antiquing, knocking the two riders unconscious. Seeing an opportunity, he quickly scoops up the girl and tosses her in the backseat of his wife’s car, leaving the man behind. As Jacques pulls away, the man regains consciousness and chases after his girlfriend’s abductor on the motorbike. Jacques casually stares at the beautiful girl in his backseat, thinking of all the naughty things he’s going to do to her, as he outpaces the motorbike and gives the young man the slip.

The Ugly Man appears, taking this new victim into the cellar playpen and stroking her young body like a lover. Now, because this is French cinema and high art, we get the red filter and Batman-esque angles, along with the Mighty Wurlitzer casting some mood music.

Now, right about at this point, I'm hoping this leads to something bigger than the human sacrifice play with the snake thing, because really, how can you top that? Look at the vidcaps! And now you've got a sleek-breasted young woman with gorgeous blonde hair and an unmarked body chained naked to a pillar. The possibilities are endless! So what does he do? Strokes her a little bit and then gets back in his car.

Dumb ass!

The next morning the motorbike rider goes to the police with a description of the vehicle and a rough idea of the driver, but he can't pick Jacques out of a photograph of a suspect in the crime spree, so the rider goes across the street for some breakfast.

Jacques’ wife has noticed that he’s been edgy and short with the customers, so she says something to him, trying to get him to open up. Instead, he announces that he’s going for a trip “in the country” with his semi-homosexual friend. At the same time, the police inspector goes to interview the biker, and in the middle of their dialogue the film jumps with a bad edit to a shot of Jacques and his partner driving along. His partner is worried. Jacques is acting crazy. “Yes, Mark, I am crazy. We're all crazy. Why should we pretend we're not? It’s our awareness that makes us completely crazy.” And suddenly I reflect back to Leopold and Loeb and I wonder if they had the same discussion.

Mind. Blown.

Jacques then goes to the police station, to inquire about the progress in recovering his car. As he goes in the station, the rider is coming out of the breakfast café with the inspector. Dramatic tension! The policeman says he believes the perps are using Jacques’ car to abduct young girls, and even admits that he wouldn't mind having a go at the girls himself. One of the girls, he says, stripped down to nearly naked just to show him her body! (Insert dubbed laugh) Right about then, the inspector arrives with the rider. More dramatic tension! But Jacques is a slick man and talks his way out of the situation.

Or so he thinks.

The motorbike rider follows Jacques and his semi-homosexual partner back to the chalet, where he promptly hops the wall and begins slinking about the grounds, looking for the missing girl, who just happens to be twisting slowly in her chains down in the playroom.

This scene is a little bizarre, but then this is 70’s French cinema, so we get these images interspersed with shots of church stained glass artwork while listening to the Mighty Wurlitzer. But don't worry. I'll spare you the religious iconography and just put up the good parts.

The rider skulks about the mansion and comes upon the semi-homosexual partner. A scuffle ensues and the partner gets away. Just then, Jacques runs past the rider as well. As the partner bursts from the chalet, he sees the wife waiting in the car. “What are you doing here?” she asks. Cut to the police inspector, pulling up the drive towards the chalet as well.

You can see where this is going.

Jacques’ cover story starts to fall apart. Cut to a scene of the rider scuffling with the Ugly Man by a riverbank. The rider fights like a girl and the Ugly Man gets away. For the moment. The police see the scuffle and pursue the Ugly Man, who slips and falls into the water. While two policemen fumble with a rowboat, the inspector simply waits on the shore for the body to float up. When it does, he pulls it out. There, it is revealed that the Ugly Man is actually…

Well, you should have figured it out by now.

Anyway, the dirty parts of movie peak at about the mid-point but since this is high-class French cinema, they actually focused on the plot, which really isn't all that strong because we never see the final victim get rescued, nor is she really tortured other than having to listen to a tape recording of organ music in some sort of sleep-deprivation thing. You can do a lot with a hot young French maiden chained nude to a pillar, but apparently those two imbeciles don't have the guts to do it. Then again, for all we know, she may still be down in that cellar, twisting in her chains, waiting for a rescue that will never come, just like The Pit and The Pendulum.

Wow. Mind. Blown. Again.