Alright folks, step right up. I can't quite believe that I'm getting in first, but here it is. The official 100% #1 GIMP approved review of the latest Eli Roth film Hostel II. We've waited, we've speculated, we've even slagged it off in anticipation. But I'm here to tell you, there's more to this film (and less ...) than meets the mind's eye. This could take a while, so buckle up.

Now, first things first. I don't think much of Mr. Roth. I'm sure that in the right bar at the right time, he'd be a hell of a guy, but really... The thing most of us probably know him for is the commentary on the DVD of Blood Sucking Freaks. Yep, the greatest movie ever, and this turkey treats it like a joke. Like something that you can snicker along with your buddies to at the latest kegger. Alright, that's probably true, but in the case of this movie, that particular attitude is going to come back and haunt him.

Folks, everybody reading this board is either a GIMPer, or somebody trying to make money off GIMPers. And I have news for you. Don't, under ANY circumstances, see this movie among children. And by children, I mean late teens and early twenties folk - you know the type ... they laugh because they don't know how to relate to a movie that is epic in style and substance. Girl gets her face cut off ... laugh. Guy gets his dick cut off ... laugh. No, please, I implore you all. Go to the cinema that is the least 'hip' in your town. The one that no teenager/guy in a hoodie will ever be caught dead in. That's the place to see this movie.

Now that that's settled. You want to know, what's the movie like. Well, as the Bishop said to the Actress, there's good news, and there's bad news. Let's start with the bad news. There is probably, out of roughly 90 minutes of screen time (It's hard to judge, with all the adverts for ice creams and other horrible movies), there is probably eight minutes of GIMP worthy action in total. The rest is only interesting if you have a particular fetish for that style of post-modern film making in which everything is funny just because it's referencing something else. (Digression - there are at least two MAJOR Borat jokes in the movie, that I counted - the first one is that one of the chicks calls a character 'Borat' because he's a ... get this ... a FOREIGNER ... and the second is that one of the main villains is called Sacha [ie Borat's real name]. You know what - I saw Borat, and don't appreciate the reference. It's a cop out for a cheap laugh. Like most of this movie.)

If you want to go into a slasher/horror movie with no idea of what's contained in it, like I did, skip the rest of this. If, on the other hand, you want to know whether you will 'get yer rocks off' to some mainstream cinema, well ... hold on tight. What can I say? This movie is a good (ie average/middle of the road/I didn't walk out) slasher flick. If you like that sort of thing, you'll get excited. Sadly enough, that's just what most of the audience who were present for my viewing experience did (see my above advice re avoiding teenagers). I don't understand, and will never understand, what inspires a person to bring their girlfriend (yes, their fucking GIRLFRIEND) to a movie like this. It defies logic, and defies my powers of deduction. However - guarantee you - IF you take a girl to this movie for your first date, she'll never forget you. Unfortunately, she might never forgive you either, but that's how it goes, sometimes.

(listens to the audience saying 'get to the FUCKING POINT already'). Alright, alright. I know. What makes me drop ten dollars on a stupid slasher movie? Here goes.

IF ... you like intimations of a lesbian relationship between one of the honeys and one of the evil parties ... then this might be your movie (for about seven minutes of essentially PG rated fare.)

IF ... you like to see four minutes worth of a woman slashing another woman for the pleasure of bathing in her blood ala Countess Bathory ... then this might be your movie (or at least, your DVD rental).

IF ... you don't mind sitting through an hour of bullshit to get to the point of a slasher movie, and then have all your predictions from minute #1 come true to the point of ridiculousness ... then this is certainly your movie (and remember, I'm hardly a genius, and I picked all but 1 of the 'twists').

and ... IF you can handle the politically expedient vision of men being cut up/tortured/etc interspersed with the real meat of the movie (just so nobody can accuse the filmmakers of being misogynist), then this might just be for you.

Bottom line ... this is not a movie for GIMPs, but might be a movie for gimps. The highlight of the whole experience for me was the quite attractive pair of girls sitting next to me, one of whom was laughing through the whole thing, the other of which was looking absolutely disgusted. I don't know why I thought that was so fitting, but it certainly was.

Gradings:

as a GIMP film - C (but wait for the DVD rental, folks).
as an artistic statement - B (yep, even our own Bill Zebub could learn a thing or two about pretension from this one)
as a general film - C (I was not scared for a single second of the movie, but I didn't feel like walking out, either).

I have no advice beyond what I've written above. I went in expecting the worst and hoping for the best, and came out scratching my head, wondering why regular people would want to see it. I would have thought that this sort of movie would ONLY appeal to GIMPers (and even then, not hugely). Obviously my finger is as far from the pulse of movie making as it is on anything else.