Hideous! is not a sequel. It does have mutants (small ones, newly-hatched from glass jars) and Jacqueline Lovell as Sheila, a different character in a different story altogether. It’s disappointing for many reasons, but mainly because it has no GIMP scenes.

So it’s not a total loss, I’m going to describe what happens in the movie, and add in what should have happened from a GIMPer’s perspective. You can use your imagination to play along and script your own movie. Who knows, maybe one of us will come up with something bankable.

Characters:

Napoleon Lazar, a collector of “medical oddities” who is willing to pay $650,000 for a mutant embryo fished out of a sewage plant;

~ his rival, wealthy Dr. Lorca, who already has a large collection of glass-jarred “goobers” in his castle;

~ Lorca’s slinky hired gun Sheila (Lovell) who spends the whole movie in (and out of) a skimpy black leather mini-skirt and matching open vest, held in place by the miracle known as double-sided tape;

~ Belinda Yost (Tracie May), foxy/mature supplier for both Lazar and Lorca;

~ Elvina (Rhonda Griffin), Belinda’s ditzy receptionist and spy for Lorca; and

~ beefy, hard-nosed PI Kantor, who is called in when Lazar’s recent purchase is stolen.

Scenes: Sheila (Lovell), wearing nothing but her skirt and a gorilla mask, ambushes Lazar on a snowy private road and robs him of his latest prize. She handcuffs his wrists behind a tree and leaves for Lorca’s castle. What should have happened: Lazar turns the tables on Sheila, handcuffs her wrists behind a tree, and takes cell-phone pics to submit to his favorite snow bondage site.

Kantor brings everyone together in Lorca’s castle to settle their disagreements. When four part-human mutants escape from their jars, Sheila seals off the castle doors and windows to prevent anyone (or anything) from escaping. But the four little critters decide to fight for their freedom.

While Elvina sleeps, one crawls under the covers and starts licking her right breast. She panics, runs from the room, and steps into a trip-wire the mutants have set up. She takes a header over a balcony and lands on a water-filled glass vase, which shatters, severing her neck. As Elvina panics and flees from the room, the mutants snag her wrists and ankles with wire. They strip her and dangle her upside-down from the balcony. One of them uses a water-filled bucket to re-enact the inverted dunking scene from Agent X (starring Jane von Detlefson!).

When Belinda tries to capture one of the mutants, she ends up getting her ass covered with porcupine-like quills. Lazar turns her over his knees and uses pliers to extract the quills one at a time. Belinda gets into the rhythm of it and starts to like it. Lazar ties Belinda in an inverted Y, plucks each of the quills from her ass one by one, and reinserts them in the most sensitive places in the front of her body. Belinda does not like it one bit.

Waving a card containing the secret code word that unlocks the castle doors and windows, Sheila lures the mutants toward a trap-door that opens into an acid pit. The mutants tie Sheila up and dangle her above the acid pit, threatening to lower her in if she doesn’t give them the code that unlocks the castle doors and windows.

My grade for the actual movie: D+. It’s dull, over-acted, and without Lovell there would be absolutely no reason to watch it.