Look, another John Galt review but not of a Powershotz production. This
was another DVD I found while trolling the musty corners of the
Hastings "New Releases" wall. Cover picture of a scantily clad babe
suspended upside down on the cover? Check. Use of the word "babysitter"
in the title? Check. Starring an actress that was hot? Check. Not rated
PG-13? Check.
Babysitter Wanted
(2008)
 In a nutshell, this is a movie about a
couple who are raising the adolescent son of Satan, whose dietary
restrictions limit him to eating the flesh of young virgin women. So
the father, or maybe step-father, has to go out periodically and secure
a young virgin woman, then dismember her and package up the flesh in
serving-size Zip-Loc Storage Bags. Now, you might think the "babysitter
wanted" part of this is how they find cannibalistic candidates; but
actually, they need a babysitter to watch the hellspawn while they go
out hunting virgins, because they try not to kidnap girls in the local
area lest someone become suspicious. There's a lot of religious crap in
this movie as well, mostly unfocused and ineffective and annoying, but
what would you expect when the antagonist is the son of Satan?
The titular character is Angie, played by Sarah Thompson, who is the
reason I watched this movie. Sarah Thompson played Eve, the hot, slutty
evil go-between for Wolfram and Hart in the last season of "Angel". And she was so hot and so slutty. And I had hopes for this
flick. But alas, Sarah has gained a few pounds and shed not a single
article of clothing in this movie, nor did she wear anything revealing
any bare flesh to speak of.
However, there were a few GIMP teaser moments in the movie. First of
all, in the pre-title sequence, we get a slow tour of a body with black
lines magic markered all over it. It is a dark scene, unfortunately.
When the camera finally pulls back, we see and pretty young virgin in
bra and panties laying on a table as someone unloads a bunch of sharp
instruments. She is cloth gagged, with her wrists tied behind her back
and her ankles tied together, and she is struggling according to the
rules whereby she can wiggle and writhe but not actually, you know, do
anything to escape. The unseen assailant holds her head straight and
takes aim with a ball-peen hammer and whacks her (off camera) at which
point we immediately start the titles. So first issue: who leaves a cow
or a pig dressed in underwear for the slaughter? No one. And why would
you do it for a virgin? Because as a GIMP filmmaker you're a stupid
pussy, would be my guess.
 Blah blah blah. Boring plot with heavy
handed foreshadowing and not a few deliberate misdirections, during
which we are introduced to extraneous characters who have nothing to do
with anything except maybe they were friends of the director.
Finally, Angie the babysitter stumbles onto the truth that her charge
is the son of Satan who feeds on the flesh of young virgins. She
discovers he's a hellspawn when she takes off his cowboy hat and sees
his horns. No, really. She discovers he eats only the flesh of young
virgin women when the father figure tells her, at which point we get
GIMP-age.
 Angie gets captured and sits in the barn,
tied hands behind her back and ankles in front of her, and cloth
gagged. She is watching as the father dismembers the latest virgin. It
is dark and she is fully dressed. But it is bondage.
Meanwhile, the latest victim is a blond wearing gray underwear, or
something. She is drugged, and unmarked. So the guy commences to mark
her
up, and in a running commentary describes to Angie which parts
the little hellspawn is most fond of. (The gluteous maximus, it turns
out. Who would have thought?) The girl starts to come around and the
guy gets really upset because he had to drug her and now drugs are in
her system and will subsequently be in her flesh and it just bothers
him that her flesh will be contaminated by evil drugs. His standards
are so admirably high. Then he whacks her in the forehead anyway.
 He gouges holes in her heels (off camera but
you hear the squishing), sticks hooks through the holes, and hauls her
dead body upside down, Then, off-camera and to the accompaniment of
more squishing
sounds, he slices her open, cuts pieces out of her, and places them in
Zip-Loc bags in scenes you probably will not be seeing in any Glad TV
commercials. There is one kind of cool place where he has her hanging
upside down and saws her in half between her spread legs. But since she
is already dead at this point, it loses a lot of its awesome GIMP
potential. I mean really, once he killed her, that was kind of it for
GIMP.
 More predictable plot developments. Angie
escapes. She is chased down by an ATV and whacked in the head so hard
she goes flying forward. But she's still conscious, so she's punched in
the face to knock her out. Then she is carried over the shoulder back
into the barn. She has one of her ankles pierced and almost hooked, but
she is still fully clothed. In fact, she is over-dressed. But that is
pretty much it as far as GIMP goes.
Spoiler
alert: Stuff happens and she ultimately escapes and the bad guys get
theirs but
not before more extraneous characters die and we are left with an
ambiguous ending since horror directors think it is cool to never
actually end a movie in case someone with more money than brains
decides a sequel might be feasible.
This movie had potential, but squandered it in criminally
under-lighted and over-clothed scenes. Some bondage. Some cloth gags.
No nudity. Not even a glimpse of flesh from the principle actress.
Darkly lit scenes.
Too many close-ups. We had two victims who were hung upside down and we
never got a full view of either of them. All of the GIMP stuff
happened, for the most part, to dead bodies. If the victim isn't alive
and suffering, it isn't GIMP. It is necro-something. This was a
disappointing movie and a pathetic GIMP vehicle. I grade it D for disgracefully
unrealized potential.
Don't be fooled. The DVD cover shows you an underwear-clad female body
hanging upside down but the movie never does.
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