So I will be reviewing the DVDs, which may be one or two movies. I'm not expecting great things, but it is always helpful to know the stuff to avoid as well as the stuff to watch. This is a review of Something Weird Video's Sexy Shocker Hardcore Horrors Volume 9, which features two "Classic Adult" XXX movies, Sex Seance and Horror Whore.

Sex Seance (AKA House of de Sade) (1977)

You would think a XXX movie about a group of swingers who went to an old haunted house and summoned the spirit of the Marquis de Sade in a seance would make for some good GIMP. Well, if the name of that movie turns out to be Sex Seance, you would be wrong.

Sex Seance stars Vanessa del Rio and several other unattractive performers. They all have 70s pubic and facial hair, and 70s clothes on the rare occasions when they are dressed. Every day I thank god there are so few pictures of me from the 70s because I probably dressed like this as well.

As far as GIMP-like scenes go, there are surprisingly few. There is a scene where Vanessa del Rio and her boyfriend are having sex where he fastens a large black leather collar around her neck that has a chain attached. He kind of pulls her around by the chain, making her crawl on all fours. He half-heartedly spanks her. Then he fucks her with a cucumber. But that's not the weird part. The weird part is when he takes the vegetable peeler and peels the end of the cucumber while it is sticking out of her vagina. Then he takes a knife and cuts several slices off the end and feeds her the pieces. If this was the Vegetables in Merciless Peril forum, this would get a high score. What a stupid scene.

When they finally get to the house and summon the spirit of the Marquis de Sade (I am skipping all the random 70s style sex), the spirit grabs Vanessa del Rio and spirits (HAhahahaha) her away to a room where she struggles unconvincingly and says inane things ("Oh, pain! Pain!") while she is weakly whacked with what looks and sounds like one of those cardboard tubes you are left with when you use up your roll of paper towels, and a flogger, and she is spanked. Oh yeah, they also attach nipple clamps to her big floppy breasts and rubbery nipples. It is a pathetic scene, and this de Sade needs to turn in his BDSM membership card if that's the best he can do.

The others decide to "split up" and go looking for her and they all end up in a lame orgy together when the movie abruptly ends. I'm thinking the original VHS video tape broke at this point during the transfer and they decided it was close enough to the end to just move on.

The video quality sucks. The sound quality sucks. There are obvious scene jumps that were either sloppy editing originally or sloppy editing by Something Weird Video. There is nothing of interest here. No bondage to speak of. No torture. No gags. Lame whipping. I firmly believe that any movie that dares to feature the Marquis de Sade and fails to produce at least one good GIMP scene deserves an F. This movie gets an F-.

Horror Whore (AKA Hardgore, Hard Gore and Sadoasylum) (1974)

The second feature on this DVD is Horror Whore, which was titled Hard Gore the first time I saw it years ago. The VHS copy I originally watched was poor quality, so I thought I might be able to get a better feel for the movie from this DVD. Unfortunately, I think the folks at Something Weird Video used that same copy for this DVD transfer, so no joy.

Once again, the set up sounds promising. A nymphomaniac with masochistic tendencies is checked into a sanitarium run by devil worshipers who have brutal orgies and conduct human sacrifices. Does that sound like it could be great? And it is XXX as well. Even better? You think? Prepare to be discouraged.

Maria, the masochistic nymphomaniac, checks in. There is random lesbian sex, random masturbation, and random heterosexual sex throughout, none of it particularly appealing. None of these performers are attractive. The women are all on the chunky side, and Maria kind of pancakes out when she lays on her back. And I don't mean just her breasts pancake out. The only person I recognized in the entire cast was "John Seeman," who was a fixture in a LOT of bad 70s porn flicks.

So Maria wakes up in the night and finds her nurse dead. She runs screaming naked down the hall until she is grabbed by an orderly. Next thing, she's on her back on a bed or an altar or something being felt up by two girls while she's sucking off two guys. One guy's cock is cut off with a knife while she's sucking it. Yuck and ouch, not necessarily in that order.

She wakes up the next morning and the doctor tells her she had a bad dream. He prescribes vibrator therapy and she and naked nurse Lucy get down with that until a mysterious hand cranks up the dial on the electrical box the vibrator is wired into and it starts smoking. In Nurse Lucy's snatch. And she can't seem to pull it out. There is lame exclamatory dialog. ("Oh! Call the doctor! Call the fire department!") You can't see me but I am rolling my eyes.

That night, masochistic nymphomaniac Maria hears noises. She investigates. She sees Lucy drink from the "magic grail," then fellate a guy wearing a devil mask that looks like a tomato, complete with a leafy green collar. Lucy sucks him off and he blows a massive amount of semen onto her face. And when I say a massive amount, I am talking about a ZFX fake penis gushing amount. Then, as a reward, the devil mask guy tells Lucy she gets to experience the "ultimate orgasm" and she walks over to a guillotine. She bends over at the waist and puts her head into the stock, which is closed over the back of her neck. Another guy in a mask starts to fuck her from behind until he gets his steam up, then he releases the blade and it slices down and cuts her head off and he comes all over her butt, which is unaccountably still standing up. That sounds like it might have been a GIMP-worthy scene, but it just didn't play right. There was no suspense. There was no fear or panic from the girl. There was no real build-up. There wasn't even much of a climax.

Maria wakes up the next day, with cloth restraints around her wrists keeping her in bed. She is sedated. She wakes up that night, no longer restrained, and sneaks out and overhears the doctor planning to kill her in some spectacular way. She makes a noise and they catch her and take her to "The Room," where we see all the dead nurses. Maria briefly struggles but then gets it on with the doctor. The other guy fucks a corpse while humming a happy tune. I am not even trying to make sense of this any more.

After the doctor finishes with Maria, he ties her AOH in "The Room," and we are subjected to some bizarre imagery, including a talking penis (with a surprisingly deep voice), a Jesus penis, the tomato headed devil mask blowing smoke from one of its nostrils, and three rocket-powered penis dildo things hanging by visible wires with sparkler flames shooting out their, umm, asses I guess. The camera moves to suggest they sort of fly around but really they are just hanging there, eventually losing their sparkles, while Maria ducks her head like they are swooping down on her or something. Then they start squirting semen onto Maria. Like, gallons of semen. More in this one scene than Rick Masters uses in an entire movie.

Maria wakes up the next day and she's given an aphrodisiac (an inspired treatment for a nymphomaniac) and maybe a sedative but the sound is so muddy I couldn't make it out. She pours the drink into the toilet and then sits on the toilet and pees and then wipes herself and flushes the toilet. The filmmaker keeping it real, I guess.

Next thing we know, we are in the thick of yet another orgy. Maria is sucking off the tomato headed devil mask guy. When she's done, he invites her to experience the "ultimate orgasm" of the guillotine, but since she is not drugged, she grabs a huge battle ax and kills the devil mask guy and, I think, the corpse fucker, before she is beaten to death. The scene fades with Maria dead, a lighted curved candle sticking out of her pussy.

The sound quality on this transfer is abysmal. The video quality is little better. I didn't expect an award-winning storyline or even decent acting, but I was kind of hoping for some GIMP seeing as how we had a masochistic nymphomaniac at the mercy of a bunch of devil worshiping human sacrifice weirdos in a XXX movie. It completely and utterly fails on all levels. Bondage almost nonexistent. No gags that I recall. No torture. And a beheading sex scene that could have been awesome in the hands of a True Pervert but totally flops here. I wonder what the filmmaker was going for when he made this movie? It is a mystery to me. This is an F.